CONDOMS: 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on your child support...

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. It's probably the one time in his life he wishes she'd asked for tampons...

Twinkle Twinkle Little Whore, This Is Work Not Jersey Shore... So Take Off All Those Slutty Clothes, And Dress Like Normal, Not Like Hoes...

My son asked me where God came from... So I told him since God created Everything he must be from China...

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell "HEY! IS THAT CANDY... CAN I HAVE SOME?"

Have you noticed how the toothpaste falls so easily off your brush but the second it hits the sink it's like contact fucking cement...?!?

If maybelline can make eyelashes 3X longer... then they need to start making condoms.

My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I always misunderstand what people mean... I'm pretty sure he wants me...

Skydiving is a great way to commit suicide with the option of changing your mind...

I Finally Saw My First Porn The Other Day! Man, I Can't Get Over How Young I Looked Back Then...

It wasn't always called bipolar... It once was called being a dick...

My phone autocorrected "killed" to "kilt"... Well plaid, phone... Well plaid...

Water into Wine? Yeah, that's pretty cool, Big Guy... But this morning I turned Twinkies into breakfast. So, you know... BAMM!

Once You Get Married... And Only Then... Will You Understand Why Barbie And Ken Are Sold Seperately...

"I’m not like most girls..." - Most girls

I'm experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute...

I'll Never Bungee Jump... A Rubber Breaking Was The Reason I Was Born And I'm Not Going To Let It Be The Reason I Die Too...

My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that...

If being sarcastic burned calories... I'd probably look like a crackhead...

I prefer Twitter over Facebook.. Talking to people you dont know and will never meet, rather than people you have met and wished you didn't.