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thank you for the new set of yellow pages, los angeles. i will def use them to call the 80's.
You can't throw your phone at your assistant when your assistant is Siri
the streets are filled with people tired of fucking each other who can't do anything about it. happy holidays!
new year's resolution: only dating guys who show up in google searches
i seriously would get married if i could do it with a month to month lease
"i'm not on twitter" is the new "i don't watch tv"
does this fat make me look fat
"toddlers and tiaras" should just be called "strippers in training"
religions are like rappers; they all claim to be the best one and the more popular they are the more they get away with rape.
if you love reading about greasy boners then you'll love my 1st column on @hellogiggles!! RT #DysfunctionalDater http://hellogiggles.com/dysfunctional-dater-i-got-99-problems-but-a-pitch-aint-one …
missed connection: i was trying to be in a relationship, you were a moron
religions are like rappers-- they all claim to be the best one & the more popular they are the more they get away with rape
the most challenging part of internet dating is keeping the names straight & also the part where we all die alone
sure, i'd love to jack off into a pool of floating cheeseburgers all weekend just like the next guy but i have a pilot to write
sometimes you don't realize you've met that guy who takes your breath away until after you've been strangled to death
people who still debate if women are funny or not are the closest we'll come to seeing dinosaurs in our time
game of thrones jumped the stark
comedian fm Ferguson, Reno 911, Pretend Time & Adventure Time who created #RomanticEncounters, #AllGrowzUp & @whatsuptlily. writer @HuffPostComedy & @XOJane.com