you know what works better than a rape whistle?
a rape pistol.

i'm supposed to train the intern to do what i do every day, but i'm not sure how comfortable i am giving him my twitter & facebook passwords

oh, shit. i just backed over that guy's seeing eye dog.

good thing there are no witnesses.

i just ate an entire bbq sandwich at a stoplight. i hope the person who i imagine is filming my life cuts that scene out.

i bet the reason no one will hire me is because they google me & are all "she's too cool for us" & "she seems to drink during the day a lot"

where do we redeem our driver license points? i think with this speeding ticket i have enough for some patio furniture.

remember ringing people's doorbells & then running away & hiding behind a tree when you were little? well, that kid i just knocked out won't

apparently your name sewn into your underwear isn't an acceptable form of identification. & 10 a.m. is too early to buy alcohol.

the only thing worse than going out with a guy who thinks he knows everything is going out with one who looks up everything on his iphone.

i'd probably care more about gaining followers on twitter & getting lots of hearts on tumblr if i weren't so pretty & popular in real life.

i can usually shake the truth out of someone, but man, these babies.

i'm going to grow my own food this year. does anyone know when the best time to plant cool ranch doritos & frozen spaghetti & meatballs is?

why are my parents always telling me to be more like my sister? the only difference between us is that she's a lawyer & i usually need one.

people whose toes look like cheetos shouldn't be allowed to wear sandals in public. especially on days when i'm high & have the munchies.

trying to watch a porn VHS but it's dusty, so it's not really working. maybe if i take it out & blow on it i'll be able to put it back in.

sometimes i send people random DMs like "THEY WANT TO FEEL MY TITTY. SEND HELP" just to see how they'll respond. & because i'm batshit crazy

my boss just gave me pepper spray to keep me from getting robbed.
so i showed him my pay stub and sprayed him in the face.

my car needs a new bumper.

& that family needs a new dog.

jeez. you karate chop a kid one time & suddenly the mom's all like "stay away from my baby" & "how'd you get in the back seat of my car".

if you would've told me i'd be in a stranger's apt doing laundry in just my panties today, i would've said "let's make out." cause i'm drunk