@melissasantos' (melissa ) most faved Tweets...
i'm supposed to train the intern to do what i do every day, but i'm not sure how comfortable i am giving him my twitter & facebook passwords
i just ate an entire bbq sandwich at a stoplight. i hope the person who i imagine is filming my life cuts that scene out.
i bet the reason no one will hire me is because they google me & are all "she's too cool for us" & "she seems to drink during the day a lot"
where do we redeem our driver license points? i think with this speeding ticket i have enough for some patio furniture.
remember ringing people's doorbells & then running away & hiding behind a tree when you were little? well, that kid i just knocked out won't
apparently your name sewn into your underwear isn't an acceptable form of identification. & 10 a.m. is too early to buy alcohol.
the only thing worse than going out with a guy who thinks he knows everything is going out with one who looks up everything on his iphone.
i'd probably care more about gaining followers on twitter & getting lots of hearts on tumblr if i weren't so pretty & popular in real life.
trying to watch a porn VHS but it's dusty, so it's not really working. maybe if i take it out & blow on it i'll be able to put it back in.
people whose toes look like cheetos shouldn't be allowed to wear sandals in public. especially on days when i'm high & have the munchies.
sometimes i send people random DMs like "THEY WANT TO FEEL MY TITTY. SEND HELP" just to see how they'll respond. & because i'm batshit crazy
i'm going to grow my own food this year. does anyone know when the best time to plant cool ranch doritos & frozen spaghetti & meatballs is?
jeez. you karate chop a kid one time & suddenly the mom's all like "stay away from my baby" & "how'd you get in the back seat of my car".
if you would've told me i'd be in a stranger's apt doing laundry in just my panties today, i would've said "let's make out." cause i'm drunk
i hate when people assume that because i'm from the south, i'm stupid. that's just not true. i'm stupid because i have no mental ability.
my parents have been really nice to me this weekend. the least i can do is not point out that they've been calling me by my sister's name.
i want to say i'm the bigger person for taking my ex & his new gf to dinner even though she hates me, but come on. she's like twice my size.
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