Facebook: The girls you didn't want to play with at school.

Twitter: The girls you weren't allowed to play with at school.

Sometimes I'd like to abbreviate the expression 'Oh my God' but I think people will laugh at me.

My ninja skill is taking my own t-shirt off one-handed whilst drunk

There's WAY too much faux lesbianism mixed w/ threats of amazing sex on here. I'm sure the odd tweetup is going to debunk a lot of this talk

I am more concerned about someone from the real world discovering my tweets than I am about getting caught cranking one out in the shower

If I star like, a dozen of yr tweets, doesn't that automatically qualify me for 2nd base?

Keep it above the waist ladies. Ok then don't.

Know this. I follow you mostly because you are pretty, just like I would if I were stalking you. Yes you. Not you, but you.

Are we over Google Plus yet?

Thanks, girls with hot avi's. Apple have declined my warranty repair and this iPad is effectively "liquid damaged"

I'm at 189 followers & am changing my Avi to a picture of my wang until I reach 200. Your move twitter.

I want to grow one of those cool moustaches, you know, shaped like a staple. Like Yosemite Sam

"I'll use this credit card for emergencies only" ~ EVERY girl I've ever dated.

I've got a 5 star tweet and shaved ear and nose hair, so I guess I've got that going for me.

Before twitter, I used to sleep really well, but now .... Zombies.

I am shit-scared of using apostrophes however I can throw there, they're and their around like I'm a fucking word Ninja

Twitter has made me realise that I do in fact have a 'type'.

If you are one of my followees, you fit the bill, except 1 or 2 of the dudes.

NOTHING validates me more than liking someone's wit on here, only to find them replace their cartoon Avi with a hot photo of themselves.

I've lost a shitload of music out of my iPhone. My 'friend' says it falls out of the charging port at the bottom and now I'm confused.

Pulling hair and eating dirt.