The "under 30" crowd is so cute... They think they have life all figured out.

I'm pretty confident there are several mountains high enough to keep me from getting to you, babe.

I'm either out of beer or just too drunk to remember where I hid it.

It's not an accent, it's a "southern drawl".

Do ducks ever pose as drunken sluts when they get their picture taken?

"To get drunk" is still the best answer when someone asks me "Why do you drink so much?" ...duh

If you've never pushed the "next track" button on an 8-track cassette player, then don't DM Me... Is you mother single?

If I follow then unfollow, then follow & unfollow the same person repeatedly. That's like ringing the shit out of their doorbell, right?

I don't mind having to be at work on a Saturday, but this whole "putting clothes on and acting sober" is for people on a higher pay scale

"Just for tonight, let me hold you til we fall asleep together"

I just sang that to my beer bottle

I'm 22 followers from 500. It'd sure be nice if you selfish sonsabitches would RT me more often, maybe throw up a star, trophy, a cold beer

My dawg is missing, so I put posters up with my face on em, and a note saying "If you recognize this pic, get your ass back home RIGHT NOW!"

Yes officer, I always sleep in my driveway, with my car door open....next to these empty beer bottles.

I can't decide whether to get a hooker or make a beer run....or get my sermon ready for tomorrow morning

We're all sinners. I'm just better at it than y'all are.

Fact: Clothes don't "fall off" when you're drunk. I've been trying to get my left boot off for the last 8 minutes.

If you don't wanna see me in my boxers, a wrinkled Tshirt & a sock on only one foot,then don't knock on my fuckin door at 6:15AM on Saturday

Jackie Harbaugh should be the MVP of the Super Bowl. After all, She's the mother of both head coaches. JUST FUCKIN SAYING

On his way to Heaven, I bet Neil Armstrong (as he passed the moon) said "Hey, I've been there".

Just called my momma (who lives about 1,000 miles away) coz today's her birthday, and I love her.