Mitt Romney video translation: "47% of Americans are worthless mooches, and I don't care about them."

@joshmalina "I'm just a bill, representin' the people's will. And I'm gettin' fucked on Capitol Hill."

I like bread and butter. I like toast and jam. I live in abject poverty.

"Wait, if the women are in the binders, then what's in the basement? WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT?!" -- Mitt Romney

All of my Letters to Cleo just came back "Return to sender". :(

Girl, is your body Africa? Because I wanna visit Djibouti.

@birbigs PB & JJ Abrams

What if right in the middle of one of those AT&T commercials with the guy and the kids Chris Hansen walked in and pulled up a seat.

An Irish science rapper named Homie O'Stasis.

When you point out to people that tweeting about a major issue is futile, you make a great point. That you're an asshole.

I've been training for 4 years. Time to compete for the gold medal in Avoiding the Summer Olympics on Television. Wish me luck.

I like my coffee like I like my women: all over my pants while I'm driving to work first thing in the morning.

@realdonaldtrump Lil' Jon's name isn't actually Lil' Jon. #CelebApprenticeScandal!

Jay Z and Beyonce's daughter Blue Waffle (sp?) turns 1 today!

Thomas Jefferson: Leprechaun Hunter

On Jan 20, 2017, Obama should say "I'm Kenyan. Fuck y'all!" and kick over a microphone.

Romney on foreign policy: I support the same policies as the president, except when the president does it.

Curing PBS well account for like 0.00001% of the deficit. Good job, Romney.

I'm in favor of smaller government that tells homosexuals and women what they can and can't do with their personal lives.

If you ever get cornered by the Fruit of the Loom guys in a dark alley, just blow your grape whistle.