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I just ate a baby carrot in front of all the other vegetables to show them that I'm not putting up with their shit anymore.
Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.
Saw a girl sitting at a bus station alone so I yelled "you're going to get raped" to warn her. Still confused why she called the police.
If you've never ruined a friendship over a game of Monopoly, you're not playing Monopoly right.
Trying to figure out if my moms are lesbian.
Hit a girl with my car. She was a little bloody so I totally played it cool and was like "keep your period under control!" and drove away.
Homeless people are kind of like gumball machines that don't give you a gumball.
At least one of Steve Buscemi's parents had to have been a pigeon.
I have this weird fetish where I like any girl who I can get because I'm desperate.
If I ever get injured in a dangerous situation and say "go on without me!", I don't mean it. I'm more important than you. Save me.
Just saw a really cute couple holding hands so I hit them with my car BECAUSE NO ONE CAN BE HAPPY IF I'M NOT HAPPY.
Nothing feels better than finding the silverware drawer on your first try in a house you've never been in.
The last time I grabbed the correct amount of paper towels to clean up a mess was never.
I'm a member of the mile high club, minus the sex part. Basically what I'm saying is that I've been on an airplane.
Soda bottles are all like "take my top off and put your lips on me!" Fucking sluts.
A lot of grocery store surveillance cameras probably have footage of me knocking over things and then running away.
Ive been complimenting my toaster recently so when robots take over it will put in a good word for me. Also because I have no one to talk to
Sometimes I wonder if all of these pigeons like me for who I am or if they're just in it for the breadcrumbs.
Planning on buying like 300 goldfish and harvesting all of their gold. Laugh at me now, but I'm going to be a fucking BILLIONAIRE
Sometimes I steal random babies and then give them back to their parents and they are forever in debt to me. This is how I make friends.