Do you know what guys say about women with small breasts? "Look at the tits on her friend!"

20 yrs from now, those people who lined up to support Chick-Fil-A will be looked upon like those people who supported segregation.

I typed Sarah Palin and it autocorrected to Paul Ryan.

I've discovered how to prevent people from stealing your tweets. Write shitty ones.

“@georgescumbag: Hey! It must be the Monet!

-Nelly, extolling the virtues of French impressionism.”

If you're out of Monet, you're Baroque

I've ironed my own clothes since I was 16. Still do. That's why they named a Super Hero after me. Ironman.

Truthful Tuesday. I love my cat more than people.

If Jesus came back today, he'd have 10 apostles because Israel is on metric system.

Have bottled used bacon fat as a cosmetic. Calling it Oinkment.

If your avi is an egg, no one will follow you. So the yolk is on you. (groan)

Two things being old and mature has given me: the ability to deal with reality. And knowing how many drinks is takes to deal with it.

As as old white male with a little money, I can now afford to get myself an 18 year old.



Man, that scotch taste great.

I finally figured how the word "Brazilian" came about. It's because of all the deforestation in that country.

It gr8s on me that ppl use the wrong spelling for the short form of 'great'.

Time flies like the wind but fruit flies like bananas.

Yesterday, a thought entered my mind, got lonely and left.

People who are brutally honest enjoy the brutality much more than the honesty part.

You cannot convince anyone who is hungover that death is not imminent. Some would even welcome it.

Considering how many assholes are on Earth, I think we need to change our name with the seventh planet from the Sun.

Any man who, having children he can't support, proceeds to have another should be taken to the veterinarian and neutered.