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The heart and the mind are reluctant neighbors who don't lend each other tools.
It’s sad when people circumcise their son to keep his penis clean but forget to cut off his butt cheeks to keep his asshole clean.
screaming is good exercise, right?
Is the ugly boring boyfriend store having a sale
I saw The Purge so you don't have to. It makes NO SENSE. http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/8-things-that-dont-make-sense-about-the-purge …
don't forget, if you use your tv sleep timer, to leave your front door unlocked for brandon, the guy who does that
I misplaced a Luna bar but I'm not panicking
What if the Bling Ring soundtrack makes me want to roooooob?
in miss utah's defense, there really is no *good* answer for why women earn less than men.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My sister has better jokes than me about Man of Steel and I'm very upset.
I'm always seeking my bartender's approval.
My favorite celebrity baby will always be Kanye West.
Sweet tea & vodka
my dog has the cutest butt in america.
I love women, we're a sisterhood, but sometimes I think, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot? Get yourself the fuck together.
a woman called my coworker a dumbass because the air conditioning was broken
Me: One day I'll write good jokes!
Gym teacher: Not if you can't do one lousy pull-up, Titty-boy!
Me: *all the crying*
Amanda Bynes is just distracting us from Syria.