I like @theeesickestkid because he actually retweets things that are funny, not just to advertise people

"Savannah would've loved to know she stopped all the traffic."
"Shoot, she stopped the traffic when she was alive!"
- @baileyveale

“@ashketchum151: Evolution via trading #PokeProblems”

Dear god. The bane of my existence.

RT @thecomedyhumor: Seniors > Juniors > Sophomores > Administration > Staff > Janitors > Animals > Trees > Dirt > Freshman

Oh my wow famous guy on twitter followed me! I love @theconvotweet

Realizing that I payed obscene amounts of money for a purple curtain with sleeves and some frilly gold string

My favorite tree fell over. What are the odds that it's just playing dead?

Sometimes I wish the giant spiders actually did come

I have the same amount of Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong

Contrary to popular belief, it is in fact possible to travel without going to Cracker Barrel. Parents, please take notice

I feel like I've been exhausted for like three straight months

"No dad. Lets just quit while we're both behind."
- @kyletheginger

This just in. North Korea issues "final, complete absolute last time I swear I mean it this time" warning.

My friend thinks he's so smart. He told me onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face

Donuts are the main ingredient in broken heart glue

That moment when you play an UNO game with 6 people that goes on so long that everyone decides to just quit

Yelling at your step ladder because he's not your *real* ladder

I could listen to coach brown's motivational speeches all day

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. I don't even have hair on my chin, and I still don't trust that nigga."

"Dude, back in the day, Jesus went ham on them little kids. Like, I just got a feel. He did."