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Realizing that I payed obscene amounts of money for a purple curtain with sleeves and some frilly gold string
My favorite tree fell over. What are the odds that it's just playing dead?
Sometimes I wish the giant spiders actually did come
I have the same amount of Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong
Contrary to popular belief, it is in fact possible to travel without going to Cracker Barrel. Parents, please take notice
I feel like I've been exhausted for like three straight months
This just in. North Korea issues "final, complete absolute last time I swear I mean it this time" warning.
My friend thinks he's so smart. He told me onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face
Donuts are the main ingredient in broken heart glue
That moment when you play an UNO game with 6 people that goes on so long that everyone decides to just quit
Yelling at your step ladder because he's not your *real* ladder
I could listen to coach brown's motivational speeches all day
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. I don't even have hair on my chin, and I still don't trust that nigga."
"Dude, back in the day, Jesus went ham on them little kids. Like, I just got a feel. He did."
She said you used to be cute, what happened. I said I evolved and became handsome