That "thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters" thing was really kinda prophetic, huh?

"I remember back when hashtags used to MEAN something, man." - twippies

I'm a "green-tweeter"; 90% of my tweets are made from recycled material.

To simulate the hurricane, turn on every fan you can find, spritz water into the air, and finally throw a deck chair through your window.

There's no such thing as a 'failed tweet'; each one is just a learning step towards finally realizing that you suck at tweeting.

Twitter is absolutely the home of the nicest and smartest collection of former criminals I've ever met.

I don't NEED 'stars' for validation. I KNOW my shit is AMAZING. But, if you read this tweet, please fav it so that I know you were here

All these facebook statuses always asking 'Where's the party at??"; I want to tell them it's here on twitter but they're clearly not ready.

Random thought: prefacing some shit you write on the internet with "Random thought:" is redundant

Tweets are like snowflakes; except for that whole 'every one is unique' thing

FUN FACT: prefacing a tweet with "FUN FACT:" immediately opens it up to a broader audience!

Barbecuing is kind of like DJ-ing with meat; maybe a little trickier cause of all the sauce+utensils.

No, I don't want no cheap-ass Wonder bread; give me THUNDER BREAD: BREAD OF THE GODS

Sometimes it bothers me how so many good tweets will inevitably go unstarred; then I think about starving children, but only for a second.

It's not "twittercide"; it's more like "putting your followers out to pasture"

There's no such thing as an 'amateur criminal'; they are called 'prisoners'

Thanks a lot for the rainbows, remind us colorblind folk how fucked up we are.

Facebook would be funny, if it wasn't so inherently vain and sad.

The more I post shitty tweets in an attempt to lose followers, the more I end up gaining. This damn thing's like a Chinese finger trap.

"If I'm going to the drunk tank, I'm going there drunk, asshole!" - overheard on street, definitely probably not said by me yet