We are all gonna regret doing twitter someday

I saw a bigfoot once, but nobody believes me because I don't have a mullet

I'm slightly better than following an egg

Even if you are the sharpest tool in the shed, you're still a tool

My cat never listens, probably cause she knows I'm not her "real" dad

I just added up all my tweet,following,followers and favorite counts, and realized I'm an idiot

I totally think that getting all the grocery bags out of the car in one trip should be an Olympic event

I am still a little traumatized from when the damn dog from Duck Hunt used to laugh at me

This is my 100th tweet,put that in your time line and scroll past it

I put baseball cards in my spokes today, my car sounds so friggin cool now

Oh god, I actually used the word "redonkulous" today....I don't deserve to speak ever again

Whenever I see a tweet similar to one I wrote,I wonder if they stole it from me or the person I stole it from

Look at me,I've made the perfect amount of spaghetti - nobody on the planet

Damn you new toilet paper roll that was super stuck and made me shred half the roll trying to get it started

If you don't cry when bugs bunny tries to send chilly willy off on his own,and he starts crying ice cubes,you're probably dead inside

Starting to think pushing the elevator button 163 times doesn't make it come quicker

I stuck a knife,fork,scissors,toothpick and some tweezers to my phone, now I have a Swiss armiPhone

If I ever became a rapper,I'd kick it old school with a name like Optimus Rhyme or Biggietron

Tell a man a joke,and he will laugh for awhile,teach a man a joke format,and he will overuse it til everyone is sick of it

"I'll ruin your picnic, annoy you while you're sleeping and get all up in your face for no reason" - bug life