Please people, refrain from the i(insert lame haha) jokes just becuz of Steve Jobs iQuitting.

Watched 3 of the new shows starting this fall. Hated 'em. Debating sabotaging the lives of everyone involved.

I firmly believe that ALL songs can be improved with "WORD!" interjected into any short lull in vocals.

SPOILER ALERT: she dies at the end of Country Strong. -Am I doing this right?- #dummie

"Consider yourself warned, I'm offensive and creative - like handicap porn!" should always be followed by the exaggerated homie self hug. ;)

Ugh! People around me are happy... Make it stop!!

What I learned from watching the latest Xmen installment.... ALWAYS use your hands and a constipated look to show you're using your powers.

I think maybe the world did end. I feel like a zombie right now - and that was the prediction right?

Whatever happened to the Pussycat Dolls? I thought for sure those girls would have long illustrious careers.

No, I totally love going to dinner only for you to stare at yer phone. Don't mind me as I fuck the waiter on our table honey.

Baby zombies are so cute!

I've just had my 46321468th cup of coffee and I can say with all authority, that I don't like it. Yuck!

My boyfriend demanded I buy him a new car for his birthday and was unhappy with the model one I got him.
#99problemsandabitchisone

As your girlfriend, I wish you the best of luck at the new job - dog walker.

As your flatmate, you better find a job with real money.

I'm really thinking a ninja would rule as a pet. They could be like a home protector slicing up any intruders/unwanted guests...

I am brainy. I am ingenious. I am clever. I am astute. I am brilliant.

I am holding a thesaurus.

So wait...its not a zing until I say (as obnoxiously as possible) ZIIIIINNG?

This is a tweet.

If you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Well done.

Ok hollywood, we get it. Real men don't look back at explosions. But they should to see their enemy alive & spare themselves some effort.

I debated going to see the sharks, as it is their week. But I'm afraid I'd feel the need to do an inspirational speech and get chomped!