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The hardest part of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is swallowing all that jizz.
Sometimes I think more stuff will make me happy, then it just sits there, doesn't even try.
I wanna fuck that little girl from True Grit.
Goddamn iPhone spellcheck.
I meant, I hope she wins.
Did you guys know that hole on the top of a dolphin IS NOT a vagina?
So glad I didn't buy a season pass to Sea World.
“@uberfacts: Smarter people tend to make sarcastic comments quicker than people who aren’t as smart.”
No shit, Sherlock.
Are you a foodie? Well, bad news. That's a made-up, bullshit thing. Cause everybody likes food, you fuck.
I live next to a retirement home. There's an ambulance and fire truck here at least twice a week. So sad that many old people catch on fire.
I'm an asshole pussy faggot loser cause I said something about a guy you don't know, on a team you like? Did your steel mill close?
Got this from Martha Stewart.
1) Freeze small bottle of water.
2) Leave in hot car for 30 minutes.
Ta-da, ice-dildo! http://t.co/4Lftz1fG
“@uberfacts: Coffee, soda, tea and chocolate have all been known to decrease fertility in women.”
What about pushing them down the stairs?
I just bought $85.10 worth of fruits and vegetables. Monday I'll be throwing away about $81.00 worth.
Babies are like cake. You love it cause you made it but eventually you have to stab it with a knife and eat it.
I think? I don't have kids.
“@uberfacts: Every person in a pool adds about 0.14 grams of fecal matter to the water.”
Not me, I add like, two-pounds.
The coolest thing about buying pineapples is, you get to introduce new species of tropical bugs into your home.
Photographer, 5 Minutes with Mike video series http://www.youtube.com/mikecarano
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