It seems like people lose their minds on the dance floor at weddings. Its like the dancer they never became explodes outward in a supernova

I'm writing a movie that is gonna blow "Gone in 60 Seconds" away. I'm calling it "Gone in 50 Seconds."

I had a bad dream. I was watching iron chef and the secret ingrediant was a muppet

The real secret to the Bermuda Triangle is that there is a floating bar. This explains away most of the incidents. #truefact

Relax. You got a tough skin! “@hollywoodcrab: Someone is writing horrible things about me? Yes, I know. It's me.”

Robin: Holy heaping shit, Batman!
Batman: Watch your vernacular.
Robin: Sorry but that fart smells terrible
Batman: Fuck you, Robin (fart)

@edgalvez was right in our disagreement of whether there was a yeti or a goat on big thunder mountain at Disneyland. It's a goat. I concede

@scott_bowser Happy birthday, Scott! Long live The Scotty Mouth podcast!

Vampires should really be history teachers. I mean, they lived it.

Bad news, I heard Santa crashed his sled and injured 2 reindeer. He was texting while flying. Police holding him. Everyone is fine though.

I formerly apologize to @edgalvez for arguing with him that a centaur doesn't have arms and hands. They do. He was right and I was wrong.

If a vortex opened up at my house, I'd have a vortex party. Hell, I'd even get it catered.

@dougdrieseljr I will fight you down. Prepare for the quickening. #epictwitterbattles

I heard the Easter Bunny is eggstatic it's Easter.

I had a dream I was riding splash mountain with a yeti. He destroyed the ride before we got to the last drop. I was relieved!

Did Demi Moore sign a deal with the devil? She has not aged in 15 years.

Intervention w/ @edgalvez  http://vine.co/v/bri6lP0wTEW 

I think the 5 hour energy commercial where the guy can do everything is a sham. He is a jack of all trades and master of none.

I think if extra terrestrials are here to help us, they should step up now.

Vacationing with @thefortcast http://t.co/gGYnclE8