I love tits, ass & pussy, and I'm not ashamed to talk about it. Needless to say, my son's Parent-Teacher conference didn't go too well today

If I was a superhero, my movies would be really short, because, as soon as the bad guy showed his face, I'd just fuckin kill him and move on

With all the so-called attention whores running amok on Twitter, I question whether or not the attention pimps are doing their jobs properly

Word is my fav word in the dictionary. It describes everything else, plus it makes white people sound stupid when they use it as a response.

A guy once warned me I'd end up "sleeping with the fishes." The next day, my bed was littered with tuna. I never fucked with that guy again.

I quit smoking today. Awake for 5 minutes now. If I somehow manage not to light up after I go kill someone, I'll feel really proud of myself

Socialism (a policy that grows directly from capitalism & most politicians confuse with communism) is working 4 the Swiss #occupywallstreet

Tonight, my tweets are being sponsored by Apathy Inc: "We don't give a shit so you don't have to"

Pop Quiz: What's your fuckin' problem?

My entire family just left. They threatened to return later. My guess is they'll have the last laugh

When I interview new employees, I like to ask them where they see ME in 10 years. I don't give a shit what they say. It's just fun

Great minds think differently than other great minds. Mediocre minds think alike.

Apparently there are "unacceptable" words on Twitter now? What the fuck kind of pussy-dicked bullshit is this?

You had me at "I've had worse"

Some bozo called me a clown today

I enjoy talking to people who can use the work fuck in a sentence where I'd never expect it to be. "How are you?" "Good, pretty good. Fuck!"

The more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced I'm the only person on earth who's seen every episode of "B.J. and the Bear"

Life is like Rice Krispies. One minute, you're a puff of air, floating in milk and the next... life is nothing like Rice Krispies

I wish I'd thought of the concept of "Dr. Phil" before Dr. Phil showed up. I didn't realize I could help people by just being the dick I am

Unless that childhood song is complete bullshit, there should be a lot more John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's in the world