I'm looking forward to the day when technology will let us fuck around all day, make up stupid shit, and not work.

The upside to crying when you masturbate is the tears make an excellent lubricant.

Congrats @mikegolvach! @stellartwot picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://favstar.fm/t/101140784635588608

http://t.co/d7ExIcn

My first Tumblr post about my miserable existence. Try not to cry.

People with the last name Sanchez must try extra hard to always look clean.

At least the pot didn't call the kettle a nigger.

It was soo funny, that one time, when I had a tweet that changed from past to present tense just now.

"What am I, chopped liver?" - chopped liver with amnesia

If Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera mated their babies would resemble a retarded ewok. #TheVoice

Capitalism for dumb people: http://t.co/8oRHmZM

nothing like 0 stars, 0 retweets to passively aggressively tell me to go fuck myself.

I won't lie, this is HARD to watch. But I think you should http://www.facebook.com/MinutesofMayhem#!/MinutesofMayhem/posts/203416513030333

I wrote a prequel to The Neverending Story, called The Abruptly Ending Story. "Once upon a time, there was a story. Then it ended. The end."

Inspirational quotes are just fancy way of saying "you are unremarkable- but keep trying!"

You gotta watch those cute and quiet ones They're the ones that will go psycho and come at you with a turkey baster and half a ham sandwich.

Who needs a photo of Osama to prove he is dead? His final Facebook status update says it all. ;-) http://yfrog.com/gyinrajj

A car that can sense when other cars are in close proximity? That's just the kind of innovation California rush hour is looking for.

Ironically Tori Spelling is not only ugly, but she can't spell words.

Free Fiction Daily is out! http://bit.ly/hyTn16 ▸ Top stories today via @abandonedtowers @dear_editor @sockrollscifi @necol66 @ryerpub

Gay Mexican movie: "Wetback Mountain"