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'Jurassic Park 4' expected in theaters 2015. Greed finds a way.
Future historians will write that America's decline began when we started giving our kids graduation ceremonies for every frickin' grade!
Coinstar has totally forgotten about the rest of us from the coinblock
A beauty pageant having a question and answer segment makes about as much sense as a presidential debate having a swimsuit competition.
last night i had a dream about electric sheep, but it was probably all that electric mexican food i had before i went to bed.
Babies wearing sunglasses still holds up.
Any dog you've seen in a movie released about 15 or more years ago is now dead. Happy Monday!
The one thing I miss the most about the 1980's is settling all my disputes on the dance floor.
Here at Weird Twitter we've been painstakingly crafting intentional typos since 2010
In hell all of your jokes kill but everyone laughs like Seth Rogen.
For the price of just one pack of cigarettes, you could help one child in need learn how to smoke.
If I was on Jeopardy I would just keep buzzing in & saying "What is love, Alex?" until they had to escort me from the building.
Just saw a man sing “Y’all gonna make me come” to two women. One punched him in the face. He fell backward into a pole. Good morning, NYC!
"###" -Hashtag Inception
I'm hearing a distant tuba, like a comically fat guy is making his way over.
I am a mule mule. I illegally transport mules across borders by hiding them inside of me.