Inhabitants of New Jersey are just as bad as Jeep owners. "It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand."

Not sure if watching The Great Gatsby or just one long Jay-Z music video.

Winning due to disqualification is like beating Helen Keller in darts. #irrelevant

I'm all about convenience and a bar on campus is convenient.

RIP Joe Paterno, may prepubescent boys lead you in.

Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up? Goddamn we were fucking dumb.

Did my job.  @realcpooch pic.twitter.com/k39ShUpLW2

I'm so sleep deprived that I just bit into a roll of toilet paper and wiped my ass with a sandwich.

Facebook status: I am thankful for...

SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't caaaaaaaaare.

Currently looking for jobs in Washington and Colorado. Sorry, Pennsylvania. You're marijuana legislation isn't up to par.

If Romney had large cojones, he'd do an AMA on Reddit.

Women beg for equality, yet cling onto the fantasy of being dominated like in 50 Shades. I'm confused. Whatever, just make me a sandwich.

The only person Kanye West follows on Twitter is Kim Kardashian. #lulz

[Insert problem that isn't actually a problem. In reality this statement is meant to flaunt your own social status.] #firstworldproblems

I like penis. Can i get a RT?

I never would have guessed that everyone is going home for Thanksgiving break if I didn't have a Facebook.

Always a good day when a new Kanye West album leaks. #PrayForUsLordYeezusChrist

There are no respawns in a zombie apocalypse.

DONE. Eat a dick, St. Joe's.

Happy "I'm spiritual, but attend church a few times a year" Day!