I want to argue with everyone til they have to declare me king of the world.

Be careful of what you are devoting your time and energy to. No one ever says "He smashed mad bitches" in a eulogy.

@brooklynron probably but I can take a break.

@brooklynron yeah cuz ur so qualified to run a nation.

@michelleisawolf just google "Mike Recine comedian"

Why do so many male comics joke about being sad and alone? Some of the coolest guys are loners. Liberace, Freddie Mercury, George Clooney...

@julesabouttown I'm glad we got to have this talk too. You seem like someone w a lot of patience and empathy. That's sincere.

How do some of these monsters on twitter rationalize a female comic who has been sexually assaulted and makes jokes about it?

@auditorydamage yeah and you have to live the rest of your life like a pussy.

@ladysnarksalot did you watch a set or did you just read my twitter. Also this is why you don't have a boyfriend.

@jaredlogan What about bi code?

A happy man = a happy relationship.

You know who I feel bad for tonight? Rich people. I doubt they know how delicious spaghetti and butter is.

Mr Clean looks like he had a dirty past.

The best part about ultra thin condoms is that sometimes they break.

@bkmadman hey your grammar and punctuation is terrible

No woman leaves a man because he put his foot down. Get ya balls back, fellas.

My 22 year old brother has severe autism and I'm almost positive he's never been blown. Just out of curiosity ladies...how much?

Girl last night told me that men are pigs. Hey pumpkin...last I checked, pigs are almost as smart as dolphins.

Since I quit drinking at the beginning of the month, I've saved over $250, which I used to put towards those legal fees.