My wi-fi name is "Bout Dat Life." The time warner tech told me I was one of the realest niggas he ever installed internet for.

You ever have a white guy stare at you so hard you do know if he's being gay or racist?

I remember the first time I saw spinners on a truck. It was like the pope came through the hood. Niggas was mesmerized.

I knew my relationship was over cause whenever I started talkin she would turn on the blender to make a smoothie.

I'm picturing Quincy Jones pointing @ the TV sayin "Look at my baby girl" then someone whispers Mr Jones that's Zooey Deschanel. Not Rashida

Hey comics just so you know "remixing" a joke or tweet is still stealing. Y'all bogus as hell.

When I found out Bow Wow was the new host of 106 I ripped down all his posters. How u gonna quit spittin that fire when u got fans out here!

May 13th I'm at The HaHa Cafe. Special Mothers Day Show! Hosted by the producer himself @mrmarchand 8:30pm

Catch me @thecomedystore tonight 9:30pm. Crack Em Up Thursday's is one of the hottest shows in town. Come & laugh!

One time this girl who didn't shave asked me to go down on her. That pussy looked like John Legend taking a nap on the futon.

Alternative comics are some of the most cliquish dudes you will ever meet. FUCK YOU and your gluten free jokes! #fb

S/O to the comics who grind HARD every day @buffbay5 @hallib @mrnatejackson @rickycarmona @troyrawlings @chineducomedy @theejamesdavis

When I was a baby my mother accidently dropped me on the hood of a mercury cougar. She said her favorite song came on.

Steph Curry was that light skin dude in the hood who wore a onesie and had all the SEGA games.

Been workin on my screenplay for the Chris Dorner movie. I want Queen Latifah as the lead if she's willing to shave.

I make money on the side shaving cats & selling them to rich folks. By the time they realize it's not hairless I'm on a flight back home.

I wanna be so rich that I send my kids off to boarding school. Then move to france with two models & watch them grow up via skype.

Best way to describe me & @arantzauncut relationship is like Method Man & Mary J Blige..............and I'm Mary J Blige.

I love when dudes act like they wouldn't date Kim Kardashian. Like that Forever 21 chick you're with would spend 400k on your crusty ass.

Hate when I'm having a good convo w/ someone and they sneak in bible scripture at the end. The whole 30 mins was just an act & I got served.