If more things had frosting on them, less things would get lost. I mean, when is the last time you lost a cupcake?

So in Toy story 3, Andy's 17 now....that means at one point in time the toys stood there silently while Andy was furiously masturbating.

I like to stop the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I'd never be bored again...

Shake Weight: In just six minutes a day you'll get arms that could jerk off a rhinoceros.

I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

Today I'm that asshole who burned the popcorn in the break room.

Anybody notice that the word bed looks like a bed?

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

I'm good at pushing out quality 2-star tweets.

I would watch Hoarders if they had a dead cat counter in the corner of the screen.

why is it that chickens cant cross the road without their motives being questioned?

Dear Adam Sandler - You're not funny anymore. See: whatever your most recent movie is.

Is it tacky to star your own tweets? I said I was a star fucker...doesn't mean I don't masturbate.

When pigs learn to fly.. a lot of shit is going to go down.

My deep throat skills come in handy when getting that last part of the popsicle off the stick.

Dear Bank- I like to kiss after being fucked.

Submit comment you think is funny; Waste several hours hitting refresh.

I never know where to look when eating a banana.

C'mon egg avis, it's YOUR DAY!