hey, how many calories are in a gun to the mouth?

WHAT DO WE WANT? assertiveness! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? whenever's good for you no rush sorry thanks sorry.

compulsively defending GIRLS can be exhausting

We (@dfeature) talked to tourists about our new show. Things got weird:  http://steamrollerchicago.com/home/2013/4/18/double-feature-a-standup-comedy-film-festival … Shout out to @matt__byrne of The Steamroller!

Hope to one day love myself as much as this dude sitting in priority seating & sketching a standing senior citizen.

Canada crawls back into obscurity.

if you start to hate your cat are you really just starting to love yourself?

Skipped my graduation ceremony to finally get some sleep. This is the first day of the #restwell of my life!

Sedentary people make the best workout mixes.

Shout out to @caitlinebergh for this @gapersblock spot!  http://gapersblock.com/ac/2013/04/10/double-feature-a-stand-up-comedy-film-festival/ …

Fallon's monologue jokes are alright, but the show closer always kills, "Stay tuned for Carson Daly" lol lol

"I'm a Capricorn and he's an alcoholic." @jeaniedoogan (I love her! Also, I'm both!) #3DM

i can't drink any more of this wine because we're almost out of toilet paper: the melody kamali story.

All I do is mock roommate @evermainard. NO ONE GO TO HER BEDROOM. IT IS A @shitshowcase.

Can't remember an important password, but CAN remember every spoken word in Beverly Hills Ninja.

Sort of want to date a guy just so I can get some sort of reaction when I say I have a cat.

My dad just defriended me from across the room.

Cheese and crackers. More like cracker and cheeses! Back me up, people watching me eat in the library.

I'm actually all for censorship in Iran. Let's get all uncles off Facebook, Ahmadinejad.  http://lockerz.com/s/262759815 

Aaand Persian cabbie knows where I live. These tweets are more for the police.