I love zebras. To make sure they don't go extinct, we need to stop hunting zebras and turning them into barcodes.

Things hipsters don't like:

1. Pizza places whose name contains the word 'pizza'
2. People with a business degree
3. Having sex

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down AND IT SPILLS ALL OVER MY FUCKING LAPTOP THE FUCK MAN.

Just once, I wish a contestant on Jeopardy would answer every question with "What is vagina?"

When Alex Trebek goes to Starbucks, he always gets a Daily Double shot of espresso.

People say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But if that tree's on the top of a hill, that shit'll fall pretty far.

Reasons babies are like wine:

1. They're shown off
2. Can be expensive to buy
3. Both are ingredients in one of Jeffrey Dahmer's soufflés

We could all learn a thing or two from Lindsay Lohan. That is, if you change 'learn' to 'catch' & realize we're talking about her vagina.

Racism will never go away as long as we still teach kids to use 'colored pencils'.

Hey Apple,

Every time my iPhone autocorrects 'love' to 'lobe' I lose a shot at banging my 9th grade English teacher. Fuck you.

Lobe, Chris

When life gives you lemons, say "Oh shit! I did not know a board game could give me food!"

I wish I was the guy who played all the bass guitar bits in Seinfeld. Because, you know, bass players get a ton of ass.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups aren't 'cup-like' at all.

You can't drink out of them, they can't protect a man & they don't contain breasts.

Smoking should be called bowling, bowling should be called pinball & pinball should be called flipball.

Word-namers need to stop bowling.

The biggest mysteries of the world:

- Who is Mr. Butterworth?
- Where are Spongebob's ears??
- Who gets to eat the middle of my doughnut???

A dove is more of a chameleon than a chameleon is. I don't see that reptile camouflaged as soap and a piece of chocolate.

If you think finding a needle in a haystack is difficult, try finding a needle in a landfill full of porcupine quills.

I'm not a lonely alcoholic businessman, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

If someone gave me a Bud Light Platinum, I'd pour it out, fill it with rum & drink it. Then I'd hug the bottle & say, "It's all better now".

If you were at The Home Depot and had to decide between a 10-foot step stool or a 5-foot ladder, would you buy the former or the ladder?