Good Morning. I see the assassins have failed.

I love nature, but nature needs to stay over there.

I just picked up my birth control. The pharmacist asked if I needed a bag. I said "No, he's not that ugly".

All I want for Christmas is what I always want. Money.

With age comes wisdom. Apparently, wisdom weighs 40 pounds.

Sex is the best exercise? No wonder I'm fat!!

I don't regret burning my bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burnt them.

Insanity doesn't run in my family. It strolls through, getting to know each of us personally.

Like a fart held in too long.. Good bye 2011. You were highly uncomfortable.. And that's putting it nicely.

I'm not into this whole being awake thing.

I asked my boyfriend to get me a newspaper. He said, "You can use my iPad". That spider never knew what hit him!

There's no reason to tailgate me. I'm going 35 miles over the speed limit. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous too.

I found out why my eyes water during sex. It's the mace.

Eating 4 boxes of thin mints does not make you feel thin at all!

████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love █████ ██████ ███ your █████ ████ government

Nothing screams crazy louder than screaming "I'm not crazy"!

For best results: Machine wash cold. Tumble dry low. For worst results: Drag through puddle behind car. Blow dry on roof rack.

Yes, I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? Well the kids are still alive. Say thank you. Now say I'm pretty.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I don't need my Mother In Law to tell me how to handle my kids. I live with one of hers, and he needs a lot of improvement!