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I avoid making friends by being honest with people.
It doesn't matter how much I shake the pump. A little gas always leaks when I'm done so I get it guys.
Many women don't know this, but you can be sexy without being slutty.
I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
There's a fine line between cougar and old whore.
I dropped a stick while playing air drums so I switched to a Def Leppard song.
I know all you men love curves so I ate this entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Now I wait.
There's nothing more dangerous than a silent woman.
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY - my mom
I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.
I basically drive like a Mario Kart character but with less banana peels and more cussing.
If I was a werewolf I'd be all "FUCK! I just ripped my best Metallica t-shirt!" Then I'd probably go eat people and shit.
Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.
Just once, I'd like to do something that requires a ski mask and walkie-talkies.
Men you have two choices:
1) Let us win the argument, then apologize.
2) Win the argument, watch us cry, then apologize.
I stare rudely at people without tattoos so they know how it feels.
My husband still holds the door open for me. And the lady behind me. And the 3 people behind her. I stand around a lot.
If you've got a rose tat on your boob, we all know you lost your V-card at age 12 to a dude named Scooter.
I'm actually a pretty terrible person once you get to know me.