I avoid making friends by being honest with people.

It doesn't matter how much I shake the pump. A little gas always leaks when I'm done so I get it guys.

Many women don't know this, but you can be sexy without being slutty.

I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.

There's a fine line between cougar and old whore.

I dropped a stick while playing air drums so I switched to a Def Leppard song.

I know all you men love curves so I ate this entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Now I wait.

There's nothing more dangerous than a silent woman.

I basically drive like a Mario Kart character but with less banana peels and more cussing.

If I was a werewolf I'd be all "FUCK! I just ripped my best Metallica t-shirt!" Then I'd probably go eat people and shit.

Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

Just once, I'd like to do something that requires a ski mask and walkie-talkies.

I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.

I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.

My husband still holds the door open for me. And the lady behind me. And the 3 people behind her. I stand around a lot.

If you've got a rose tat on your boob, we all know you lost your V-card at age 12 to a dude named Scooter.

All women are booby traps.

Men you have two choices:
1) Let us win the argument, then apologize.
2) Win the argument, watch us cry, then apologize.

I stare rudely at people without tattoos so they know how it feels.