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I'm going to stand in the kitchen at 2:51 am and eat the rest of these vegan gumdrops like a goddamn winner.
Ahhh, listening to The Eagles is like a warm bath to my white trash soul.
Did my first open mic set tonight at Laughs On Fairmount. Terrifying. Wonderful.
Hey, people who are all like, "Oh, I won't drink a glass of milk because it's gross to me": FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU TO HELL.
I don't know why they have flavors for 5 Hour Energy Shots when they all taste like OH GOD I CAN FEEL ALL THE BLOOD IN MY EYEBALLS!!
I will always donate to the #maxfundrive. Two years ago, #jjgo was the only light in the darkest period of my life. They got me through.
Boy, my commitment to feminism is surprisingly easily undercut by trying to haul a screaming, crying drunk chick 4 blocks to her house.
This girl waiting for the train looks like a big-eyed lady version of Nathan Fillion with a nosering. I'm confused but stirred.
My Benedict Cumberbatch reference has three more tries before I drop it from the act. C'mon, Philly, get on that Sherlock tip!
Should I have pile four drinks on top of the waning effects of generic DayQuil? Only science can tell. But yes.
Dear everybody: Stop saying "whilst."
I found a quarter in a pay phone. I KNOW, RIGHT?
I figured out a way to keep all robots from becoming evil. It's not Asimov's Laws. Just don't wire red lights in their eyes, dum-dums!
I found an orange on the street and I ate it. That's probably the first step to becoming a hobo. Man, I can't wait to steal window pies!