Drunk enough to karaoke, yet sober enough to drive home. It's a fine line.

This bar has ashtrays in the bathrooms so it must be classy, right?

If by "working", you mean sneaking out of the office to meet my best friend for lunch & coffee, then, yes, I'm hard at work.

You guys! My hair is almost long enough to be a mermaid for Halloween this year. Life goal: accomplished.

If you're a 20-something single mom with daddy issues, and the 60 yr old man getting you wasted at the dive bar knows it, clap your hands!

Ok, ma'am, here's your personalized vanity plate aaaaand your free Permission-to-drive-like-a-compete-dumbass License. You're all set!

Is it weird that when I learn someone's birthday, I automatically subtract nine months to figure out when their parents did it?

Wow, I LOVE hearing your stories from college. No, really, SO interesting.

Dear Pandora, please don't play any more songs that my boyfriend & I both like bc he will get the lyrics wrong & l have to kill him. Duh.

I only own it because I bought it.

I wish I had a super power, like knowing who had slept with whom just by looking at them.

College girls, like, totally make me want to, like, stab out my really awesome eardrums, ya know?

Karaoke: because I've always wanted to hear cats in heat at a bar

What is this "water" substance that you speak of? Did you mean "wine"?!? Obviously you did.

My bartenders name is Suastika. This should be an interesting cruise.

I feel like Conan's hair gets bigger every night. Eventually it's going to invade Japan.

My boifran painted my toenails :) @ The Village At Lake Lily http://t.co/1vZlc5w1

People who smile through the pain obviously never get drunk.

Boyfriend just told me he's DVRing the Victoria's Secret fashion show for the musical acts... The way guys read Playboy for the articles.

OohingkZtfv