Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Instagram.

Oh, sweetie, that's not acne. That's meth. You have meth face. Not acne.

Welcome to Twitter. What brought you to us? Drug addiction? Marital discord? Sexual deviancy? All of the above? It's ok, we're here to help.

Wrecked pussy? Call the clambulance.



*drops mic walks off stage*

Always amazed at how one RT can blow up your TL and introduce you to a whole new world full of awesome people. So appreciative!

Can there be a "don't follow Friday"? Just once?


"Hey don't follow that guy. He's a little rapey. #DFF"

Please?

I'll take 2 Vicodin, a jack and coke, 3 boy toys and a divorce please.

I like big books and I can not lie.

Twitter has done wonders for my sex life...as in I wonder when I will ever have sex again.

Some girls like shoes. Some purses. Some money.

Me? I like dirty jokes and beer. Got any of those?

Right about now a funk soul brother is checking something out.

The baby just fit her entire fist in her mouth. Currently searching for a tower to lock her up in until she's 42. Preferably with a dragon.

If I had as much room in my brain for useful shit as I do for early 90s rap music lyrics, I'd be a Nobel laureate by now.

No it's cool, 8 month old baby taking up the entire bed, I'll just hang out on the edge here like Sylvester Stallone.

Just became a kung fu legend fighting off a bee.

Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off her own diaper?

Everything.

Everything is more fun than that.

The bigger the hoop earrings the bigger the chance of hearing the words "....is NOT the father" in front of a live audience.

If I had saved all the money I've spent on all these fucking kids toys I could be rolling around in cocaine with you all right now.

Your juicy couture hoodie and family guy track pants tell me you probably give bjs for meth behind your trailer.

My kid just called this doctor Curious George. The doctor is black. Does anyone know how to get your kids back out of foster care?