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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
Crazy old mermaids probably have a bunch of catfish.
My boss just sent me an email with 155 characters. What a windbag.
Had a tweet stolen. Authorities recovered parts of it a chop shop but most of the letters had been sold on the Scrabble black market.
Did pretty well on the scavenger hunt. Shot three scavengers.
When I see a large Russian woman, I imagine a series of smaller Russian women nested inside.
Sadly, Jason fell into the atomizer. He will be mist.
Speaking Chinese isn't all that impressive. There's like a billion people that can do it.
Karate seems like a good skill to have if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.
If you think I look bad, you should see the piñata.
My conjoined twin is so annoying and he… Oh my god, he’s right behind me, isn’t he?
Sure I'm glad the economy is recovering but can't help but be a little disappointed that I never saw a man wearing a barrel with suspenders.
Just learned that tigers don't eat Frosted Flakes. Now I'm questioning whether they're even gr-r-reat.I don't know what to believe any more.
What do you get for a bagel that has everything?
Greyhound racing is inhumane. Especially since I understand they put down the losing bus.
We're having a baby! Through a surrogate mom and surrogate dad who will keep custody. So, I'm gonna need to take tomorrow off.
Natural selection should be choosier.
Ball Park Franks? Can't they narrow it down a bit?
I'm 38 but I have the air of a much older man; he left it on the bus. If anyone sees him, tell him I've got his oxygen cylinder.
A cordless mouse ought to be called a hamster.
Friend to people with nachos MANY STOPS DO NOT FOLLOW
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