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Lady at McDonalds orders 20 piece McNugget. She's here alone. #respect
I just ate all the candy out of my candy jar. That's why I shouldn't have a candy jar.
PHONE. NO. PHONE. STOP. STOP DYING. YOU ARE DYING AND I'M TELLING YOU NOT TO. STOP. OH MY GOD I'M SERIOUS. STOP.
I LOVE WEDDINGS!!! (I'm such a follower)
Most of Switzerland looks like Estacada.
There is a hot pocket on the floor of the bathroom.
Aunt: ''They're STILL looking for that kid?! He's so dead.'' Me: ''OR... really good at hiding.''
Just kidding. I'm lazy and spend all my free time on Netflix and sleep.
I'm glad cats are cats, because if cats were people I'm pretty sure they'd be douchebags.
Why are all the towels wet? Stop it towels.
NO ONE UNINVITES JOSIE TO A PARTY. I WILL KILL YOUR PETS, SLASH YOUR TIRES, AND GIVE YOU AIDS.
CRYING WATCHING SAY YES TO THE DRESS. SO PMSING. WHERE IS THE CHOCOLATE.
Put my hands under the sink and thought it was broken. Then I remembered: we don't have an automatic sink.
Guy in history class comparing Roman Empire to Dragonball Z. Win!
''I NEED YOUR HELP IT'S CHILD-PROOF!'' says my best friend bursting into the room.
Ingrid Michaelson concert ended with Jersey Shore, Britney Spears, and ''Down By The Banks'':D
Somewhat questionable, occasionally nonsensical, and rarely clever. Also cats.