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I’m homeless, but like, emotionally.
Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.
I expect my pussy be eaten with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facefucks jars of honey.
UPDATE: you can drop off an unwanted baby at a Hobby Lobby and they'll raise it
A negative pregnancy test should shoot confetti out the end.
Don't get mad. Get very, very quiet and let it kill you a little inside.
Girls just wanna have fun. And compliments. And orgasms. And money.
Damn girl, are you America's infrastructure cuz you're insecure as hell.
I've been keeping up with the Kardashians but my vagina is super sore.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Being heartbroken sucks because you can hear the pieces rattling around when you try to fuck someone else.
Don't hate me because I'm cute, bright, kind, or silly. Do so because I'm fucking borderline racist and steal from blind kids.
The most telling detail of the Duggar scandal is the parents' statement mentioned "God" six times and didn't mention their daughters once.
My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:
Nice to everyone's face
Usually wear deodorant
Thin cheese slicer
That took four hours.
Fortune cookies can go fuck themselves. You don't know me.
If I was a stripper I'd only dance to the Friends theme song.
Writer. Tiny giant. Wannabe cool dad.
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