The White Stripes are teaming up with The Black Keys to form A Piano.

Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.

I expect my pussy be eaten with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facefucks jars of honey.

Girls just wanna have fun. And compliments. And orgasms. And money.

A negative pregnancy test should shoot confetti out the end.

Don't get mad. Get very, very quiet and let it kill you a little inside.

Don't hate me because I'm cute, bright, kind, or silly. Do so because I'm fucking borderline racist and steal from blind kids.

We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.

I've been keeping up with the Kardashians but my vagina is super sore.

Being heartbroken sucks because you can hear the pieces rattling around when you try to fuck someone else.

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:

Nice to everyone's face
Usually wear deodorant
Thin cheese slicer

That took four hours.

Fortune cookies can go fuck themselves. You don't know me.

If building a shed requires a permit so should making a fucking human being.

Justin Bieber was attacked in Dubai? This violence against women HAS TO STOP.

Hey, people who never favorite tweets! Fuck you. Fuck your mom. Fuck your dog. Fuck your face.

"Get rich or die." - American Healthcare

"Drinks are on us!" - Titties

Best part of having to poop at PetSmart is you can just do it in aisle 5.

Turn off the lights and say "Christina Aguilera" three times into the mirror and a meat lover's pizza shows up.

How long has it been since sex? If I were raped I would probably finish first.