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Girls who quote Marilyn Monroe poke holes in condoms.
I’m homeless, but like, emotionally.
A negative pregnancy test should shoot confetti out the end.
I expect my pussy be eaten with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facefucks jars of honey.
UPDATE: you can drop off an unwanted baby at a Hobby Lobby and they'll raise it
Don't get mad. Get very, very quiet and let it kill you a little inside.
I've been keeping up with the Kardashians but my vagina is super sore.
Girls just wanna have fun. And compliments. And orgasms. And money.
Damn girl, are you America's infrastructure cuz you're insecure as hell.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Being heartbroken sucks because you can hear the pieces rattling around when you try to fuck someone else.
Don't hate me because I'm cute, bright, kind, or silly. Do so because I'm fucking borderline racist and steal from blind kids.
The most telling detail of the Duggar scandal is the parents' statement mentioned "God" six times and didn't mention their daughters once.
Writer. Wannabe cool dad. Bombing my gender role since the later 80s. **ALL TWEETS ARE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY**
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