You burn more calories if you stab someone with a dull knife.

I'm putting Barbie clothes on my various pill bottles to make my stimulant addiction seem more glamorous.

My panties smell like a mermaid.

I don't mind if you only tell me you love me when we're fucking, cause it's the only time I can tolerate you.

I may not know a lot about politics, but I can draw the biggest set of tits on a stick figure you've ever seen.

Tired of explaining why all my crayons taste like vagina except for the black ones.

So I was huffing gas and I realized girls without heads never cry and I don't like crickets.

People that leave voicemails are the reason syphilis is still a thing.

Sodomy feels like a penis in your butt.

I don't want to die in a fire I didn't start myself.

I'm not the kind of girl you insert a corndog in.

I'm building myself a new hymen out of red Legos.

It's amazing how a little dab of glitter will make a swastika tattoo so dainty and feminine.

I puked in the bath and saw the likeness of Lou Diamond Phillips in my vomit, so I made out with him until the peyote wore off.

It takes a special kind of lady to pull off wearing a glass eye.

I'm cutting the crotch out of all my period panties to make myself a fancy quilt to match the blood stains on my sheets.

When I'm shaving a paraplegic's legs, I like to cut them intentionally just so I can remind them that they have no feelings.

Tired of eating dead beauty queens to make myself feel pretty on the inside.

I go to all this trouble to pick out the perfect prosthetic leg for someone, sterilize my kitchen floor and they won't even let me amputate.

My panties smell like SeaWorld.