The ladies in my knitting club think it's hilarious when I greet them by saying, "Sup, my knittas?!"

I wouldn't be much of a trophy wife. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon wife.

Sonic the Hedgehog accomplished more than his brother Chronic, who just sat around getting high all the time.

Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

Maybe I'd swallow if you came white chocolate.

I feel good about exercising today even though all I did was walk to KFC.

I don't think Oedipus understood that MILF means someone else's mom.

"I like your hair."

"Thanks. I grew it myself."

Is this why people think I'm retarded?

I need someone to pick the raisins out of my trail mix. It takes too long and I am very impatient. You will accept the raisins as payment.

I'm getting a tramp stamp of a postage stamp with The Tramp from "Lady and the Tramp" on it.

The people around me are texting their friends and I don't want to look like a loser. This tweet is the product of my insecurity.

Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out. My landlord is an idiot.

I need some legal advice. "She started it" will hold up in court, right?

I am fucking awesome.

I am fucking. Awesome.

Vaginas are kind of like Tauntauns. They're pretty cool and they'll keep you warm......and you thought they smelled bad on the outside.

Yeah, I wear a fanny pack, but it's filled with pizza. Who's the loser now? Still me? Bitch, you're just jealous of my pizza pouch.

My eulogy will probably be about all the times I entered my name as "ASS" on every arcade game I ever played.

Cats have only one way to skin a human.

Kids, if you hate your life, just remember that once you become an adult, you can choose if you want to be sober or not.

Even if you own only one Bob Dylan album, I'll still consider you a friend of mine.