S/O to all the single moms doing their very best to provide for their family. Ya'll don't get enough credit.

If I answer your phone call on the first ring then I'm most likely pooping.

In the future black robots will eat Robot Chicken.

None of my Twitter Crushes are tweeting tonight.

Ozzie Guillen on Osama bin Laden: "That guy got a lot accomplished considering he just sat in caves all the time." #ozziemisquotes

Don't let stupid shit bring you down.

Anyone who suffers from Fried Chicken Flu is a direct descendant of Flava Flav.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Maybe they should live next door and just visit every now and then.

Non-Twitterers just don't understand.

...don't accept a drink in the club if you can't follow through with it.

#10beautifulpeopleifollow @lyndssss @lizziebillo @mollysneed @chrisanna4real @carlawh @halfjewhalfmisc @misstashastarr @missmayn

Sometimes you just have to man up and ask everyone at work if they're the one shedding their pubes on the toilet seat.

I really wish Lady Gaga was on an edge so I could push her off of it. #RealTalk

I'm convinced that Monster Energy Drink gives out free hoodies to all their loyalists to cover up their gross acne.

I hate when people use a hashtag that has no meaning behind it.

The cutest girl in my workplace is over 50 #Jwine05Problems

You know it's not love when you get all uptight about her picking up your phone.

A true friend knows the difference between when you're being "emo" and when you really just need someone to talk to. #ThursdayWisdom

#ItsTimeForYouToRealize that reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

You always hear fat people talking about going to the gym, but never see one in there.