I'm just a gay standing in front of a vodka soda asking it to love him

Glenn Close is going to buy a bunny, name it Meryl and then boil that bitch.

Gary Oldman should win for being Gary Oldman.

When are we going to see Tilda Swinton play Hermey the Dentist in a live-action Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Someone just called me a "nancy boy." Do you think he meant Sinatra, Kerrigan, Drew or Reagan, because that information is important.

I want to wring Johnny Depp and Gerard Butler's hair out onto a skillet and use their grease to cook platanos.

Do you think MySpace Tom is still giving an over-the-shoulder smile after finding out that Facebook has practically won an Oscar.

Bitch is trying to drop it like it's hot when it's lukewarm at best.

Why do they keep saying "introducing" Katharine McPhee? We all know that bitch! We all didn't vote for her on American Idol.

Can they just keep the camera on Elton John's fuckthis face for the entire night?

OPRAH! AND WE ALL GET OSCARS!

You know Lea Michele is backstage singing along to Barbra Streisand with hand gestures and everything.

Zooey Deschanel is obviously a proud graduate of Taylor Swift's School Of How To OH MY GEE At Award Shows

Every time I get a spam e-mail with the subject "YOU NEED MEDS NOW," I seriously think it's from my mom.

I'm about to get in a bar fight with a 50-year-old woman and I don't know who has the advantage

I've never tried heroin before, but watching Billy Crystal sing and dance makes me think that it's a good time to start.

Rooney Mara is the Girl Who Needs a V05 Hot Oil Treatment. I want to dust my floor with her dry ponytail.

That soothing music translates into SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH

My neighbor just screamed at his girlfriend, "You tell me I can't screw you right! You tell me my dick is too short!" #whyilovethinwalls

Billy Crystal is sort of like a straight Richard Simmons.