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Hearing other people's dreams is like looking at a photo album. If I'm not in it and nobody's naked, I just don't give a shit.
This week was awful but at least we stopped making Harlem Shake videos.
I bought string cheese that doesn’t peel into slivers. I’m reduced to eating it in bites. Like an animal.
To me, adulthood means eating pizza every night, whether I want to or not. I’m a grownup with responsibilities to myself.
half life 2 asked me to both defrag my hard drive and update my video driver before running. geez valve, i get enough of that from my wife
Well, at least there aren't any worse batters to face with the bases loaded than BJ Upton.
Living well may be the best revenge, but it looks increasingly like I'll have to settle for whatever is second-best.
They should make a “Breaking Bad” spinoff called “Breaking Bread” and it’s a baking contest and none of the “Breaking Bad” guys are on it.
I think my best quality to a potential partner is probably my health insurance.