Don't know how people can find peace reading the Bible, with all the infanticide, abuse trickery, incest, adultery, killings...Oh! got it.

I used to wish I had been born to a different family, that was, until I met my mother-in-law...

4AM found 7y/o asleep underwear in hand. When I took it, she sits up looks down and says who took them off. Glimpse of the future, hope not.

7y/o "I am not going to school, I am not going to school and I am not going to school." me "Yes, you are." 7 "The school doesn't need me."

You know that line between love and hate, the fine one, well mine is intermittent. Yeah, and right now, it's stuck on off.

My kids are starting to think I'm crazy. They don't know what I laugh about. If I'm committed, I blame you guys.

I tried 2 congratulate my new sister-in-law, not my fault it came out as a condolence. It should've given her a clue, I do know my brother.

I offered to depilate my husband's scrotum. He declined... I even had the tweezers on hand, he's no fun.

Just realized 'reality' has been on my mind since this morning. Considering the reality I know is a bitch, I'm going to need some therapy.

The whole concept of 'forgive and forget' I understand, but your concept of 'I will not regret and I will repeat' is messing it up.

Oh, me? well, just catching up on favstar.fm and trying not to wet myself. A difficult feat with all the funny gathered there.

I have to call my husband almost every day. Not b/c I want to, it's to locate his lost damn cellphone. Today's location: his mother's house.

Got lost when I was 6 in a Kmart, I just went and stood by the door...I think it foiled my mom's plan...she did get rid of me 4 years later.

You learn about your luck when someone burns your car just because they thought it belonged to your neighbor. #truestory

14y/o matter-of-factly: "You owe me money because I am your son."

Found out I'm a natural born empath. Great, as if my feelings weren't enough, I've been living w/ everyone else's fucked up feelings. #true

Well, good news is that insomnia broke up with me... bad news is that now the kids are going to be late for school... perfect, just perfect.

16yo in bathroom, 7yo needs to go.
me 'Tell him if you have an accident his bed is were you'll be'
7 ' I'm going to piss your bed'
magic

You should never have sex on the beach with your girlfriend's puppy around...they go for dangling things. ;)

My most nerve-wracking pregnancy was my 2nd. Maybe b/c when I'd say my new OB/GYN's name ppl responded "Oh! you mean The Butcher." no joke