"Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?"
"Sure."
"Great! Thanks for participating."

I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water this morning....
...after 2 miles on the highway I noticed that I forgot my car.

You know you're drunk when you swerve to miss a tree and then realized its only the air freshener hanging from your rearview mirror...

I don't always fly, but when I do..
I scare the shit out of everybody

-Cockroach

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines...

So if Mary gave birth to Jesus....and Jesus is the lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?

I'm intolerant of lactose...

I use to have super powers but my therapist took them away.

My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: So it wouldn't be so windy when we talked??

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

I realize there are bigger problems in the world but I can't help but wonder...

how Humpty Dumpty got on the wall to begin with??

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
That one sentence has the power to make you remember every bad thing you did in your whole life.

Yeah, the sun is HOT, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?

"like a cheese stick"
"no, mom it's like a G6"

I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been.

New Samsung S4 smart phone has weather sensors built-in! Frankly, I’d rather not know the temp, pressure n humidity of my friends' pants...

Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it.

You ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw what's in your other hand? LOL..

anyways, the baby's ok...

Why is there a "D" in the word "fridge" but not in the word "refrigerator"??