Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I'll be a hero.

Serious question: do you write good luck in a wedding card?

I drug test all my employees so I know who I can buy shit from.

Star fucking sounds so vulgar. Can't I make love to you, pull out and start shooting stars on your tits. Shooting stars are romantic.

My girlfriend pulls her bra out the top of her tank top, and I clap like a retarded kid on Christmas. She's magical.

I hate when I get someone's point within the first sentence or two, but they continue to explain it until I kill them.

Is there an opposite of soulmate? I'm pretty sure I have one of those.

Wam bam thank you hand.

I'm looking for a good, female gynecologist to date because I might actually be interested in the answer to, "How was work today, honey?"

Friend: Would you suck a dick for $1 million?
Me: probably.
Friend: $500,000?
Me: Are we negotiating?

I always wear my seatbelt on the morning commute. It feels like someone is holding me. I wish it would whisper "Everything will be okay."

I'm not psychic. You're just predictable.

I ate like 6 happy meals and I'm still sad.

My life coach (mom) says I should spend less time on Twitter and more time confronting my demons. I can reach all my demons with one tweet.

Rapper 45 cent wants his Nickelback.

I hate it when I check twitter five minutes before it's time to leave work, and then I end up sleeping here.

Just saw a girl with "supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus" written across the rear of her sweat pants, and there was plenty of room to spare.

When you ladies say enough with the dick pics, that's reverse psychology, right? By the way, enough with the boob pics already! Jeez!

A spider bit my toe and it nearly tripled in size. What kind of spider bait is safe to rub on my penis?

Is it cool if we star fuck other people?