I still keep my old Blackberry on me in case I get mugged and the person's like "HAND ME YOUR PHONE!"

"HEY LOOK that person is texting on their phone while walking! Let's run in front of them!" - Trees

Hey 3 idiots fighting for my parking spot, give me room to back out or I'm just going to sit here and watch Gone With The Wind on my laptop.

I'm so glad I wasn't born a guy because one time I struggled for 7 drunk minutes before I finally got my front door key through the hole.

Apparently, "I'm craving nachos like a pregnant woman" is not the right answer when my mom asked what I wanted to eat.

My biggest regrets always come to me halfway into an ice cream sandwich. Usually by the third one.

Let's just say I broke my dresser door getting busy last night, not because I was pretending to be Link fighting an invisible Ganondorf.

People who start off their recorded voicemail greetings by saying "Hello?" are assholes.

To the two people driving under the speed limit side by side in front of me, go fuck each other.

After break up, she came by & forced me to eat a ton of cheesecake with her. Apparently friends also want you to gain their break up weight.

You know how some people make panties by stringing hard candies together? I'm making mine out of Cheerios. For health reasons, obviously.

I got so into the game that instead of getting Link to drink a potion for recovery during a Zelda boss battle I reached for my beer instead.

Do you hate when you're half way out the door & the phone rings & you have to go back to answer?

You do?

WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE A LANDLINE?

Mom: I don't want to come pick you up. It's raining.

Me: I'm wearing your $900 suede boots.

Mom: Ok I'm getting in the car!

I'm so loved.

Some days, we're the shiny red apples that get picked first. Other days, we're the unpopped kernels that settled at the bottom of the bag.

If we're at a restaurant together and I leave my phone on the table while I head off to the restrooms, that means I trust you.

Objects can be so deceiving. Laying an opened textbook on my chest while taking a nap and suddenly I'm not considered a 'lazy ass' anymore.

Grown man at Starbucks reading 'Eat Pray Love' & bawling his eyes out. Offered him a tampon.

Currently scouting Law Library for legal aid.

OK people, enough with the making fun on Canadians in your Tweets!

Now if only my stupid polar bear will hurry up and take me home already.

Considered consulting a dictionary during Words With Friends but my recently declared minor in English got up and told me to go fuck myself.