"Liar, liar, depressed, insane, liar, liar" - scrolling through my TL

I wonder what the tipping point was for the person that invented toilet paper..

I bought macaroni and cheese and I don't even want it anymore. I understand abortion now.

Being in Girl Scouts taught me how to bake and sell cookies and sew patches and clean and wait a minute...

I can't post an empty tweet but I can do this ______________________________________________________________________________ motherfuckers.

In an elevator with my geology professor and my ex-geology professor. Can you say ROCKward?

If dogs could talk, they'd probably just be like "Wtf is this noise I'm making?!"

If m&m's and Skittles aren't rivals, what is life about?

I'm 99% sure if we put Barbara Walters into a tub of warm water she would expand into Paula Deen but I can't prove it, yet.

If I were invisible I think I'd mainly fuck with cats.

If it looks like icing, feels like icing, tastes like icing, then it's probably glue I've made that mistake before

I just sneezed and it was the most alive I've felt all week

I have a 22% twitter success rate. Which means in real life, I have sex.

I really wanna go on Jeopardy just to have Alex respond to my "once was trapped in a Taco Bell with my cat" anecdote.

It's ok to be sexist if you're a girl because no one cares what you have to say anyway

Say "pot of potatoes" five times fast and tell me you're not having a good time

If you're thinking about getting a tattoo on your face, do it. We need more red flags like this in hand-to-hand social combat.

It's ok to be sexist if you're a girl because no one cares what you have to say anyway

Whenever I don't hear what someone says I always expel a breathy laugh and hope they didn't ask a question

I think i got punched in the face last night. I can't prove it, and I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure.