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When I tell you her vagina was wild, I am not suggesting that she was good at sex, only that I just saw a squirrel poke its head out.
It used to be the highlight of my day when the Victoria's Secret catalog arrived...now Lane Byrant works just fine.
Just had to use a butter knife to scrape the last little bit of vodka from the bottle.
Hate when the bathroom tile gets wet and I slip, fall, and end up with my Soni-Care toothbrush embedded in my ass. It happens all the time.
If you run around a tree at 186,000 miles/sec, sooner or later you are going to end up fucking yourself in the ass.
My only drinking problem is a lack of alcohol. The scientific name for this problem is "work".
The dog poop on the bottom of my shoe, I understand, but that poop on the back of my head...that's a complete mystery.
Whenever I hear an adult make mention of being pampered, a mental image of either grapes or adult diapers is formed. It just depends.
If we were atoms forming a covalent bond, I would be happy to share my electrons and fill your valence shell.
I thought my tweeting dry spell was over until I got a call from my mom who told me my shit still wasn't funny. Thanks, mom.
The difference between masturbation and a blowjob is similar to the difference between flammable and combustible.
You will never convince me that a bird in the hand is worth more than twice in the bush.
The answer is "both". I do in fact have a light saber in my pocket and I am also happy to see you.
Cum to think of it, I have not done a masturbation tweet as of late. I'll see if I can rub one out later.
By the power of Grayskull, your vacation request is rejected.
It's a Mexican standoff...just me and my penis. I've got a pretty good idea who will shoot first.
Hello, Wednesday. Now when I bend over...start fucking.
I do not completely disagree with the Multiverse theory. All am I saying is that if our universes were to collide, there'd be a lot of sex.
One man's junk is another man's treasure...that worries me somewhat.
I just asked someone if they were stupid, but never expected them to answer "Yes". It was a rhetorical question...or was it?
Chemical Engineer by day, Linux Lover by night, geek all of the time. Lost track of time contemplating my navel. More often than not...#NSFW.