Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk.

What have you people done to get so many followers? I assume it was naughty.

I must learn to speak vietnamese so I can bust these bitches at the nail salon when they talk about me while they rub my legs.

Since discovering twitter, I've spent a lot less time stalking ex's online and a lot more time stalking people I've never met.

Husband says he's going to spend his day off tomorrow eating cheetos and jerking off. As long as he doesn't switch hands should be okay.

I was initially disappointed that only a few people I know in RL use twitter. Now I love it.

The decision of regular plates vs paper plates is based solely on how full the dishwasher is vs how full the trashcan is.

Weather u love or hate your husband, you should know that spray on conditioner makes the tile floor slick. Use this info however u wish.

Thought about picking up that hitch-hiker. Then it occurred to me that it could be one of you crazy bastards and I decided against it.

I have been looking forward to bed since the minute I got up this morning.

Twitter is making me paranoid. I feel like I'm being followed.

You guys are fucking awesome. Yes, even you.

Husband says that when my boobs are exposed, I sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown, at least that's all he hears.

There should be a triage method to the line at starbucks. Some of us need our caffeine quicker than others.

Fortune cookie was EMPTY! Does that mean I'm gonna die??

Someone who wears pajama bottoms to the store deserves to be de-pantsed, one of you guys de-pants someone first and let me know how it goes.

The older I get the more I realize, people in general are just fucking stupid.

If I can hear you chewing your gum, I may just help you to spit it out.

Someone just said that this person with nearly 2000 followers is "under followed". That must mean I'm tweeting to a ghost town!

Unsolicited advice: If your wife/girlfriend's boobs look bigger than usual, don't say "are your titties getting fatter?"