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Q: What's the easiest way to spot a vegan at a party?
A: You don't. Just wait five minutes. They'll tell you.
If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Mystery bruises are god's little way of saying, "Perhaps you should drink less, whore."
The prettiest girl in the room is the one who doesn't give a shit that there are other pretty girls in the room.
My twitter handbook:
1) Tweet how you want
2) Follow who you want
3) Fuck you and your drama
4) Have a nice day
Pizza face. Muffin top. Pancake ass. Gross people sound delicious.
I love you! I want you! I need you! I miss you! I'm sorry! <delete>
Men, love your woman in a way that she'll never believe someone else could ever love her better.
Women, give your man blow jobs.
If this guy doesn't stop staring at my boobs, well then, I'm just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I'm not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
This is twitter, folks. Nobody is winning or losing anything. If you laughed, or made somebody smile or think today, your job here is done.
My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.
Men are easy:
Let them watch sports in peace.
Fuck them like a porn star.
Don't expect them to read your mind.
If you love somebody and let them go, you're a fucking idiot.
Fool me once, fuck you. End of story.
BMW Owner's Manual:
1. Drive like a dick.
2. Look like a dick.
3. Act like a dick.
4. Just admit you're a dick already.
5. The end.
My hips don't lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Women who know they're crazy are the sane ones. Women who think they're perfectly sane are the ones you should avoid at all costs.