Need a vacation: open air sleeping, ocean view, massages, someone to watch me sleep and wipe the drool off my pillow...

My hubs came home today in a very pissy mood. My fault somehow. I quietly dumped his dinner in the garbage. Works with toddlers.

Have a new tempurpedic.Was told by the salesman to jump on it every night for 2 weeks to loosen it up.He has one week to quit watching.
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The hardest part of being a parent is knowing your kid is about to get their ass kicked while you're holding the bag of frozen peas.

Still missing you, but I am not. Not really. Except for the nifty prescription that came with you: Torn rotator cuff 2009.

My hubs tells me I lecture 17 too much. Pffft. I haven't even started on my Walk of Shame with Dignity series yet.

I just discovered that Twitter limits how much love I can spread in an hour. Vitriol and sarcasm are, however, unlimited.

Found 69 reasons to divorce my spouse. Keeping it quiet til I am caught being naughty. This is how you have a mature lasting marriage folks.

You win some, you lose some. At the end of the day all that matters is which direction the room spins. Clockwise is best.

Why do tools fall in love?

If the world was mine, I'd tell you what I'd do. I'd wrap the world in ribbons and give it all to you.

On her first day of school 12 years ago, my girl hid under the bed. Used a mop to push her out. The aliens under there now would eat the mop

In case I haven't said so lately, thanks to my followers. Just a dorky milf wanna be. This is my university. Oh, and I was raised by wolves.

I am not sure, but suspect my dog resents me when I show off my freshly manicured opposable thumbs.

If the History Channel has taught us anything, it is that we are doomed to repeat the History Channel.

I am not lost. Navigating life by following the sparkling fairie's flight path, even though she is clearly drunk. Don't judge.

Like men, sometimes a woman has to whiz on her tree to mark territory. Sometimes flirty assistant in hubs office gets splattered.

I've no deeds to do.No promises to keep.I'm dappled&drowsy&ready to sleep.Let the morning time drop all it's petals on me. All is groovy.

Lazy people are not really lazy. On a cellular level, they are very busy.

One is the loneliest number, but not the lowliest. Important distinction there.