So they're coming out with a Monsters Inc 2, Finding Nemo 2, AND a Toy Story 4.... excuse me while I go hug everyone on my street.

*WARNING: If you receive a tweet with a link to Soulja Boy's new single, DO NOT OPEN. It's a link to Soulja Boy's new single.

Whenever I text someone and the message turns blue #iMessage pic.twitter.com/vZmpK19g

How to create a successful Arabic song.

Step 1: say habibi

Taylor Swift just smiled at a boy and he didn't smile back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.

A group of kids had a "honk if your sick of Arabs" sign, so obviously I pulled over & lectured them on the difference between your & you're.

Me: I'm gonna be productive today.

Life: no you're not.

Me: but I'm gonna try.

Life: no you're not.

Me: I know.

A group of kids had a "honk if your sick of Arabs" sign, so obviously I pulled over & lectured them on the difference between your & you're.

Facebook post: "Camping with the family! Lots of fun!"

Twitter tweet: "How can I kill my family and make it look like a bear did it?"

Word on the street is every iPhone 5 is a Steve Jobs horcrux.

If the presidential race was a real race we would have a black president forever.

In China it's called Toddlers MAKING Tiaras.

If zombies ever attack I'm going straight to Costco. They have endless food supply and zombies can't get in without a membership.

Sorry I offended you when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

How dare you open up a bakery and NOT name it Fo' Real Dough.

R.I.P. 2011 (2011-2011)

Automatic flushing toilets that go off when I'm not finished are the reason I have trust issues.

How dare people accuse me of copying other people's Facebook statuses.
3 hours ago · Like · Comment

Friends are like mangoes.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Ugh, I hate being famous. I can't go anywhere in my house without being recognized.