Do they sell Spanx that cover your entire life?

For any guy out there who's not sure what having your period does to a woman, I just cried about how proud I am of Britney Spears.

I, personally, want nothing to do with you romantically, but I will kill anyone that does. And I don't like you leaving your home.

Do they have an app where you scan a person's vibes and it tells you what's wrong with them and how it will affect you?

It's amazing how much less interesting both the ocean and outer space are when you quit smoking pot. Like, ask me if sea life perplexes me.

If realizing your dress has pockets isn't true happiness I am fuuuucked.

This is the time of year to hug people as hard as you can. Everyone needs a hug right now.

Winning the Super Bowl probably feels as good as taking your bra off.

Is it rude to throw a globe @ someone + say, "show me on this where anyone gives a fuck what you think"?

I know it's still summer, but I gotta put this out there now: I don't want to hear one goddamn word about pumpkin spice lattes this year.

Idea: If your spouse cheats on you cuz "the mystery is gone", murder their lover and leave a note saying, "GUESS WHO, MOTHERFUCKER????"

You guys? The cashier at Trader Joes told me my groceries were "so European." I'm almost crying. I've made it, you guys.

When I'm invited to a party, my first thought is always, "This is it. This is my intervention."

I HATE ALL MY CLOTHES I WISH I WAS DEAD!

I like being single on New Years because I like not being wasted and crying in the front yard of an unfamiliar house party at 1:15 AM.

This outfit isn't "ironic", I just like ugly shit.

sallie mae = nastiest bitch of all time.

"Who is that beautiful woman eating soup?" - everyone around me right now, probably.

I hope kids are still afraid of getting razors in their Halloween candy. Those are the kinds of fears that shape us into the humans we are.

My beauty secret? Passing out drunk at 10 PM and clocking a solid 11.