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Hurry up and change your Facebook profile pictures for marriage equality! The Supreme Court Justices are tallying them all up right now!
Pitching myself to Arby's as a reverse Jared.
The weird thing about Seinfeld is that we're supposed to believe that multiple women willingly had sex with George Costanza.
I could eat a horse. I'm not hungry, I'm just saying--I could do it.
The upside of this archaic fashion rule is that the Ku Klux Klan is much less active after Labor Day.
Really looking forward to my future daughter Ella's eighteenth birthday, when I'll finally reveal to her that her full name is Mozzarella.
I'm angrier that Anderson Cooper's boyfriend cheated on him than I would be if my boyfriend cheated on me.
The reason God invented male pattern baldness is so that I can easily determine which season the episode of Frasier I'm watching is from.
If I had a time machine, I'd kill Hitler, but only after forcing my 14-year-old self, at gunpoint, to choose a less stupid Gmail address.
My urine smells like coffee, which is weird, because it doesn't taste like it.
I'm never "hungry" or "full," only "starving" or "oh my god I think I'm gonna puke."
My boyfriend nearly caught me browsing 13 tabs of wedding dresses, but I managed to open a bukkake video before he could see my monitor.
British people must be wondering why we're all so sad about November 9.
The thing I don't like about video chat is that part of the window where it shows the other person and not your own face.
If I say a place was "fun," that means "I ate food there."
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and with sprinkles.
Considering feather extensions? Here's a helpful algorithm. ***ARE YOU A BIRD?*** If YES --> Go for it! If NO --> You're an idiot.
Beyoncé throws seventy-yard touchdown, makes out with bald eagle in the endzone.
It's not that I'm bad at multi-tasking; I'm just not very good at tasking.
If air conditioning were a street drug, I would've given at least six desperate, back-alley blowjobs yesterday.
In a committed, monogamous relationship with the Internet.