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So George Zimmerman's single?
Hurry up and change your Facebook profile pictures for marriage equality! The Supreme Court Justices are tallying them all up right now!
Croissants are honestly bullshit but chocolate croissants can fucking hang
Pitching myself to Arby's as a reverse Jared.
The weird thing about Seinfeld is that we're supposed to believe that multiple women willingly had sex with George Costanza.
I could eat a horse. I'm not hungry, I'm just saying--I could do it.
The upside of this archaic fashion rule is that the Ku Klux Klan is much less active after Labor Day.
Really looking forward to my future daughter Ella's eighteenth birthday, when I'll finally reveal to her that her full name is Mozzarella.
This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your brain on a bed of wilted arugula in a delicate saffron broth.
I'm angrier that Anderson Cooper's boyfriend cheated on him than I would be if my boyfriend cheated on me.
The reason God invented male pattern baldness is so that I can easily determine which season the episode of Frasier I'm watching is from.
If I had a time machine, I'd kill Hitler, but only after forcing my 14-year-old self, at gunpoint, to choose a less stupid Gmail address.
My urine smells like coffee, which is weird, because it doesn't taste like it.
I'm never "hungry" or "full," only "starving" or "oh my god I think I'm gonna puke."
My boyfriend nearly caught me browsing 13 tabs of wedding dresses, but I managed to open a bukkake video before he could see my monitor.
British people must be wondering why we're all so sad about November 9.
The thing I don't like about video chat is that part of the window where it shows the other person and not your own face.
If I say a place was "fun," that means "I ate food there."
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and with sprinkles.
Writer for @HowAboutWe's The Date Report. A bird once flew into my forehead. molly.o.fitzpatrick[at]gmail