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So George Zimmerman's single?
Hurry up and change your Facebook profile pictures for marriage equality! The Supreme Court Justices are tallying them all up right now!
Peyton and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Game
Croissants are honestly bullshit but chocolate croissants can fucking hang
Pitching myself to Arby's as a reverse Jared.
A picture is worth 1000 words but a GIF is worth 1 Bitcoin.
The weird thing about Seinfeld is that we're supposed to believe that multiple women willingly had sex with George Costanza.
I could eat a horse. I'm not hungry, I'm just saying--I could do it.
The upside of this archaic fashion rule is that the Ku Klux Klan is much less active after Labor Day.
Really looking forward to my future daughter Ella's eighteenth birthday, when I'll finally reveal to her that her full name is Mozzarella.
This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your brain on a bed of wilted arugula in a delicate saffron broth.
I'm angrier that Anderson Cooper's boyfriend cheated on him than I would be if my boyfriend cheated on me.
The reason God invented male pattern baldness is so that I can easily determine which season the episode of Frasier I'm watching is from.
The next season of American Horror Story is set at a party where you don't know anyone but it's too early to leave.
If I had a time machine, I'd kill Hitler, but only after forcing my 14-year-old self, at gunpoint, to choose a less stupid Gmail address.
My urine smells like coffee, which is weird, because it doesn't taste like it.
My complexion is somewhere between Irish and precog.
I'm never "hungry" or "full," only "starving" or "oh my god I think I'm gonna puke."
My boyfriend nearly caught me browsing 13 tabs of wedding dresses, but I managed to open a bukkake video before he could see my monitor.
Writer for HowAboutWe's @TheDateReport, @famously, @_swimmingly, and @Nerve. A bird once flew into my forehead.