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My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y'all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y'ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012.
I bet Mariah Carey does everything like her nails are wet.
"Bless her heart" is the nice way to say "What a fucking lunatic"
Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.
I'd rather be alone than part of a couple that shares an email address.
80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.
When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months.
Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
An 8 year old Chinese kid made your vibrator. Sweet dreams.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Wait til Renee Zellweger finds out she was on the Oscars tonight.
Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
You know that picture you really like of yourself? You don't look like that.
Even you don't want to see your powerpoint presentation.
You're the only one who wants to watch your Facebook movie.
I've never been a hostage, but I have been part of a group text.
I'm not interested in the photo of your kid smiling on Santa's lap. Show me the one where he's screaming like he's on fire.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Think of someone you deeply respect and admire. Ok, now try to find a selfie of that person.
co-head writer for jimmy kimmel live and lover of fat babies