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My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y'all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y'ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012.
I bet Mariah Carey does everything like her nails are wet.
I don't have the confidence to say the word GIF out loud.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.
"Bless her heart" is the nice way to say "What a fucking lunatic"
I'd rather be alone than part of a couple that shares an email address.
80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.
You and I both know I'm not writing down the confirmation number. Let's not play this game.
Bieber is single and Twilight is ending. Bad time to be an unstable 13 year old or a weird mom.
When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months.
Kids, don't do drugs. Until you have a baby. Then do ALL OF THEM.
Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
You're not required to tell people they look tired.
My prayers to all the families who still have houseguests today.
An 8 year old Chinese kid made your vibrator. Sweet dreams.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Wait til Renee Zellweger finds out she was on the Oscars tonight.
Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
co-head writer for jimmy kimmel live and lover of fat babies