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My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y'all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y'ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012.
I bet Mariah Carey does everything like her nails are wet.
Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.
80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.
I'd rather be alone than part of a couple that shares an email address.
Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months.
An 8 year old Chinese kid made your vibrator. Sweet dreams.
Wait til Renee Zellweger finds out she was on the Oscars tonight.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Even you don't want to see your powerpoint presentation.
You know that picture you really like of yourself? You don't look like that.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
We can stop applauding adults for blowing out their birthday candles.
The Olympics: When we sit on the couch in our sweatpants watching TV and saying things like "ohh...that was sloppy".
If you see a woman running with her hair down, she's not exercising - she's escaping.
There are easier ways to let a guy know you'll give him a hand job in the parking lot than wearing makeup to the gym.
Please no one tell my Great Depression-surviving grandma I just paid $6.50 for an iced coffee.
Don't send vague texts to girls unless you want them read and analyzed by 7 other girls.
co-head writer for jimmy kimmel live and lover of fat babies