My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y'all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y'ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012.

Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.

80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.

Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.

When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months.

Celebrities read the mean things people say to them on Twitter. (People are assholes) http://t.co/joEwMZI3

Wait til Renee Zellweger finds out she was on the Oscars tonight.

Even you don't want to see your powerpoint presentation.

The Olympics: When we sit on the couch in our sweatpants watching TV and saying things like "ohh...that was sloppy".

There are easier ways to let a guy know you'll give him a hand job in the parking lot than wearing makeup to the gym.

Don't send vague texts to girls unless you want them read and analyzed by 7 other girls.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

I hope Obama and Romney appreciate how many Facebook friends we've lost over them.

There are Kenyans who could complete marathons in the length of one of my mom's voicemails.

If you mute the debate it's just two guys smiling and laughing at each other. #vpdebate

I'm not interested in the cellphone photo you took and posted of yourself. Show me the 27 you rejected before you decided on the "hot" one.

Woman just told me, "You don't pick your wedding dress. Your wedding dress picks you." She's dead now.

If you still have Christmas decorations up, you BETTER be dead in there.

There are two types of people in this world: People who say "my birthday week" and people I wanna hang out with.

If your house smells right now, your kids suck at finding eggs.